Sustenance

In June of 2020, when we all thought life would never be the same again, Ethan Hawke did a 10 min Ted video about being creative. Life hasn't been the same - it was never supposed to but till this day I keep thinking about the video. Particularly this line 'Art is not a luxury, it's sustenance. We need it.'

I can barely get out of my bed these days. Spring is here but I wish for the sun to come out later and for it to set sooner so I could dissolve into the darkness - as it's easier to hide. Writing a single line here is taking me over a minute - as every waking moment feels like a drag and when I do wake up in the morning, I really try to fall asleep again. I struggle to contain the direction of my thoughts and they go to very dark places and corners - and the only time I am not thinking is when I am asleep. Sometimes I am wide awake at 3 am and in the silence of my apartment I can hear myself breathe and with every breath I can feel the pain and agony of heartbreak. As if every breath is grazing through all the bruises of this heartbreak and thrusting me into memories of all of the pain and agony from my past.

In those moments - which now seem to be every single moment - I hope desperately to create as I feel myself withering away. In these moments which feel destructive to my core - a single smile from a stranger reminds me to go create. As the moments of destruction are always a call for deconstruction and it starts with creation.